Quitting Alcoholism Day 2 (part two) (I Want To Sleep With You)

June 18, 2012

Quitting Alcoholism Day 2 (part two) (I Want To Sleep With You)

By “You” I mean my husband.  I was practicing the art of “grabbing attention” with the title.

Not long ago, I went to bed.  First, I had my leg outside of the covers; this annoyed my husband.  Then he put his hand on my hip, and his fingernails scratched and tickled me; this annoyed me.  I shoved his hand off me.  He put his arm up, which put his elbow in position to bang my head.  It only got worse.

Then I said I would go sleep on the couch.  This hurt his feelings.  Then I thought about how it is so much better when I just drink until four and pass out (usually in bed) and we don’t go through this whole period of annoying each other and hurting each other’s feelings.

Oh, and also there is sex.

Or rather, there is not.  In the past year we have had sex four times.  Three of those times were because I got drunk and had my way with him.

And this is all beginning to look like a good defense for my “Magic Awesome-making Juice” … but it’s not.  And I am trying REALLY hard to resist the urge.  Any thinking person might be wondering why I even have temptation in my home during my drying out period.  In case it isn’t obvious by now, my husband has made no such choice.

What does my poison do?  It devastates my inhibitions.  It makes me forget, at least for a moment, that I have horrible body image.  It also does that whole dry boogers and dry eyes thing, so just think about what that does when you’re making borderline violent love.

So, even if we wanted to go back for seconds… there’s no going again, not for quite a while.  Not until everyone has healed.  And by that time we have gone back to our reasons for not.

What are our reasons not to celebrate our wedded bliss?

Well:

1. When a man drinks it decreases performance, he doesn’t want to attempt and be reminded he can’t.  He may decide to initiate foreplay the next morning.	1. When a woman drinks and gets turned down, then gets stabbed in the hip the next morning (in the midst of her hangover), she does not find this sexy.
2. Repeated refusals lead to resignation.	2. Repeated refusals lead to resignation.
3. Resignation increases depression and leads back to drinking.  See step 1.	3. Resignation increases depression and leads back to drinking.  See step 1.
4. Drinking alone increases depression, physically and emotionally.  See steps ALL.	4. Drinking alone increases depression, physically and emotionally.  See steps ALL.
5. Depression, resignation, and drinking increase poor self-image. The cycle repeats: but with more drinking and depression and less making love and being sexy and you know it.  Spiralling to obscene depths.	5. Depression, resignation, and drinking increase poor self-image. The cycle repeats: but with more drinking and depression and less making love and being sexy and you know it.  Spiralling to obscene depths.

Men and women are really a lot alike.

I hadn’t actually intended it to work out that way when I began to make that table.  But it’s true.  Without my poison to embolden me, it is practically impossible to overcome my horrible self-image.  Sure, he tells me that I’m gorgeous and blah, blah, blah… but then why hasn’t he made love to me?  That question voiced as an irrational woman, not somebody who just wrote a table on that very topic.  However, if by some freak chance I do have some sober moment of feeling hot, I consider his feelings.  Despite the fact that I find him to be dead sexy and the most handsome man in the world, I know that he doesn’t feel the same about himself.  I shy away from stroking a manly shoulder that I know he sees as being “not as sculpted” as it was 20 years ago.  I won’t touch his powerful, muscular thigh that I know he sees as a little soft.

I resist touching this man who I find so amazing, because I don’t want my touch to cause him to feel bad.

And the cycle spirals to obscene depths.

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